There's something about your early 30s that makes you want to reflect on what you've been through. If you've been doing the work, then by 30-something you have a few tools under your belt to help you cope, release your emotions, implement firm boundaries, and smile again. Tbh, this is when you actually accept that you've been through things, things that changed you completely. You have a newfound compassion for yourself and others, offering gentleness and patience to everyone you come across because you know firsthand the weight of fighting a silent battle. You know what it's like to hide pain, fake a smile, and convince everyone around you that you're doing just fine. But there's something about your early 30s that makes you tired of pretending. You know happiness only feels good when it's the real thing. 

Here are 6 Beautiful Signs That I Was Finally Healing From My Trauma 

I fell back in love with the color pink. I knew I was finally healing from my trauma when I fell back in love with the color pink and other things I used to love. Pink has been my favorite color since a child but when I battled with depression, everything around me reflected the way I was feeling: dark. My blackout curtains helped me sleep throughout the day, and my black clothes helped me go unnoticed. I was finally healing when I stopped wanted to hide. 

I no longer wanted to be on the island I created. Over the years, I spent a lot of time in isolation. I rarely answered my phone or responded to texts because I simply wanted to be left alone. I was irritable, and my patience was low because I didn't have the emotional capacity to be loving. It's extremely hard to want to take on the responsibility of being a friend or a lover when you don't even want to be responsible for yourself. I was finally healing when making new friends and showing up for the old ones made me happy again. 

I was peaceful. Before healing, I had a short temper, anxiety, and was easily irritated. I didn't trust anyone or anything, and I felt like life had been unfair to me. I barely slept, my weight was up and down, I cried a lot, and I was verbally abusive to the men I dated during arguments. But I knew I was finally healing from my trauma when I felt a sense of gratitude each morning because the sun was shining through my windows. Something as small as putting on jazz while I made a smoothie made me happy. For the first time, everything started to feel at ease in my mind, body, and spirit. Life was peaceful. 

My emotions were steady. I knew I was healing when my emotions remained constant. I no longer felt like I was on a rollercoaster that I couldn't get off of. Before healing, my mood swings were so extreme that I was convinced I had a type of Bipolar Disorder. No one knew what I was dealing with behind closed doors because of the island I was on, but there was always an attack on my mind. If you know and love God, then you'd call it spiritual warfare. Every day was a war, and I was either fighting my own thoughts or battling with others. But I knew I was finally healing from my trauma when my moods were consistent, and I wasn't afraid to walk away from anyone or anything that disrupted my peace. 

I felt deserving of good love. My past connections were built on the foundation of my simply not wanting to be alone. I felt that I'd experienced so much loss that I wouldn't survive losing another person, so I held on to toxic lovers and friends with a death grip. Before healing, the thought of doing life alone was scarier than doing life with people who didn't see me. But I was finally healing when I knew I wanted and deserved good love.

I fell deeply in love with myself. I've learned that I have the capacity to love a person unconditionally. I'd like to think my mother left me that big heart of hers. It's both a blessing and a curse to see things in people that they've yet to notice in themselves, but still choose to only focus on the best parts. Before healing, I was always ready to give; my time, energy, and resources were yours if I loved you, even if that meant there was little left over for myself. I also knew that was another form of hiding: pouring into people without requiring them to pour back into you. But I knew I was finally healing from my trauma when I built better boundaries instead of higher walls, and I was unapologetic about choosing myself when it was time to. I learned that loving yourself is knowing you deserve to feel the same love that you offer, but it has to come from you first. 

Healing isn't linear, and you won't always feel healed, but it's good to celebrate your progress and acknowledge when you're no longer the person you used to be. If you're ready to go further into your healing journey...

Here are some resources: 

• Join us in NYC on Sunday, November 16th for our 3rd annual Cozy Book Fair! Click here to learn more about the event. 
• Get a copy of BLKGRL by Candice McCoy! Click here to get yours. 
• Get a copy of Are You Mad at Me? by Meg Josephson! Click here to get yours. 
• Get a Self-Care Bookish Box! Click here to get yours.